I don’t know how many remember the “Spaghetti Wars” of 2005.  Like so many brutal conflicts, it turns out the Spaghetti Wars were based on a misunderstanding.

The Spaghetti Wars were a conflict between Noon Rotary and Sunflower Kiwanis that occurred when it was discovered that the latter group had viciously scheduled its annual spaghetti feed one week before Noon Rotary’s.  Noon Rotary High Command believed this was done on purpose and began a campaign of total war against the “Sunflower Scourge” as the enemy came to be called.

It was ordered that their headquarters be bombed, their assets be seized, and their leadership be dragged before High Command in chains.  The plan never came to fruition because it was discovered that Sunflower Kiwanis had no headquarters, had no assets, and no one in High Command particularly wanted to look at their leadership in chains or otherwise.

It was discovered the scheduling conflict was a mistake.  There was no malevolent intent.  There were no meatballs of mass destruction.

It was decided this incident was evidence of a greater need for intelligence gathering on the part of Noon Rotary than had been previously anticipated. 

We in Noon Rotary are well enough connected with the current administration in our nation’s capital that we may avail ourselves of a wide variety of intelligence gathering facilities.  We have access to information gathered by the NSA, the interrogation facilities of Guantanamo Bay, and the secret CIA prisons in Eastern Europe. I am not sure how secret those secret prisons are, but that is beside the point.

I have been shocked by the amount of information we have been able to extract from these sources, especially at the CIA prisons.  There was one interrogatee who, before the interrogation began, denied ever having heard of the Sunflower Kiwanis; however, by the time the questioning was over, he had verified ties between al Quaeda and the Sunflower group we’d never even suspected.

Hindsight is 20/20, but this shouldn’t have been a surprise. The word Kiwanis, while seeming like a Native American word, bears a striking similarity to the Afro-Asiatic root word q’wahn`is which means “one who kills in a blood-thirsty fashion” or, perhaps, donut-eater; it’s not completely clear.  This (taken with the fact that the sunflower is a symbol of great virility and manly prowess because the seeds are reputed to have qualities similar to Viagra et al) is compelling evidence that Sunflower Kiwanis is a front for terrorism.

In light of this, it was a great shock for us to learn they have the unmitigated gall to repeat their spaghetti feed. Last year’s rapid and merciless—albeit mistaken—response from Noon Rotary has had the desired effect.  The ruthless Kiwanians no longer have the audacity to schedule their event only one week before ours.  So great is their fear of us, in fact, they have given themselves a full 4-week margin of safety lest they feel our wrath again. 

Our NSA operatives have decoded signals that would indicate that the Sunflower Kiwanis are fortifying their spaghetti sauce with a concentrated weapons-grade sunflower seed extract.  High Command believes this to be some sort of a chemical attack.  The message immediately following which read “Four hours ain’t nothing” has not been completely decoded and has High Command completely mystified.

We will keep you informed as we learn more.