Any clear-thinking Oreo cookie-detoxed citizen would also agree this has to be followed by placing restrictions on eating them in schools, especially in the boys’ restrooms between classes, and advertising to teens must be outlawed.
Thirty-second television commercials (for which I would make an excellent spokesperson) could show an addict in front of a mound of cookies piled high in the background as an electronic counter tabulates its massive calorie total on one side of the screen. On the other side, another counter depicts the accumulated weight gain resulting from consuming a lifetime supply.
A heart monitor beeps as a deep-throated announcer details the perils of consumption, an addiction that starts with the first bite. At the 25-second mark, the announcer concludes his remarks and the heart monitor degenerates into a continuous, high-pitched b-l-e-e-p, indicative of death.
The President’s new Special Commission to Eliminate Addictive High-Fat, High Sugar Foods bans their consumption in public places. This is followed by the president ignoring pleas from average Americans to veto a bill outlawing them. At long last, I am protected from myself.
It’s only a matter of time, folks. Only a matter of time.