- Ada, Oklahoma

October 28, 2013

Government must protect us from new menace

Lone Beasley Publisher

Ada —

It’s not my fault. At least subconsciously I knew it couldn’t be, and after years of self-inflicted abuse, science has identified the true cause of my addiction.  

It is my earnest hope that you as a concerned newspaper-reading citizen will support me in my quest to punish the responsible party, since it clearly is not moi. I am a victim, and it’s high time our government leaders stopped squabbling about lesser issues like our national debt and Obamacare and direct their energies toward protecting me from, well, myself.   

We are talking, of course, about confirmation by real-life scientists that Oreo cookies are as addictive as cocaine. 

According to, Professor Joseph Schroeder and his Connecticut College students compared how lab rats are attracted to Oreos versus rice cakes. Later, and in sinister fashion, we might add, they compared how these same rats were attracted to cocaine versus a saline solution. Behold! Rats are equally attracted to Oreos and drugs and repelled by rice cakes (who isn’t?) and saline solution.

“We chose Oreos not only because they are America’s favorite cookie, and highly palatable to rats,” the website quotes the professor saying, “but also because products containing high amounts of fat and sugar are heavily marketed in communities with lower socioeconomic statuses.”

So there you have it. The website goes on to advise that this coincides with earlier experiments proving high-fat, high-sugar foods are addictive. Criminy. Who knew? Well, okay, anyone who’s ever consumed an Oreo cookie, that’s who. 

But the cat — or perhaps lab rat — is now officially out of the bag, and it is clear what must happen next. Warning labels must be affixed to Oreos’ seductive packages. How else are we to alert an unsuspecting public to the dangers therein? 

Any clear-thinking Oreo cookie-detoxed citizen would also agree this has to be followed by placing restrictions on eating them in schools, especially in the boys’ restrooms between classes, and advertising to teens must be outlawed.

Thirty-second television commercials (for which I would make an excellent spokesperson) could show an addict in front of a mound of cookies piled high in the background as an electronic counter tabulates its massive calorie total on one side of the screen. On the other side, another counter depicts the accumulated weight gain resulting from consuming a lifetime supply. 

A heart monitor beeps as a deep-throated announcer details the perils of consumption, an addiction that starts with the first bite. At the 25-second mark, the announcer concludes his remarks and the heart monitor degenerates into a continuous, high-pitched b-l-e-e-p, indicative of death.

The President’s new Special Commission to Eliminate Addictive High-Fat, High Sugar Foods bans their consumption in public places. This is followed by the president ignoring pleas from average Americans to veto a bill outlawing them. At long last, I am protected from myself. 

It’s only a matter of time, folks. Only a matter of time.