Lone Beasley Publisher firstname.lastname@example.org
Each January for the last few years, The Ada News and participating sponsors have coordinated a “Greatest Loser” contest in which contestants compete to see who can lose the most weight over a 13-week period.
This year’s contest officially kicked off last Tuesday with first weigh-in at Heavenly Nutrition in Ada. Tuesday is second weigh-in day, which means Friday’s newspaper will the first in which we will publish actual weight loss results.
As in years past, we allowed publicity-shy participants the option of using nicknames rather than real names in tracking their results. This was an afterthought the first year we put the contest on, just in case one or two contestants didn’t want their true identities known. To our surprise, though in hindsight it shouldn’t have been, virtually everyone provided a fake name.
Each year, some pseudo-names catch our attention. Several this year call not so subtle attention to their perceived excessive body mass. In this category is The Hulk, Blubber Nugget, Sacquash, Big Worm (though it’s hard to see how a worm could be big), Huge Jackman (an obvious play on the name of actor Hugh Jackman), Overload, Chubby Choctaw Indian, Beefy, Hungry Bear, Fluffy Mom, Mom Squared, Momma Bear, and Panda.
Others, like Thin It to Win It, Born to Lose (weight, we presume), Hopeful 2014, and All the Weigh, seem to reflect a determination to win this year’s contest.
Still other contestants’ nicknames sound as if they are trying a homemade form of Zen and the Art of Weight Loss with monikers like +lbs. to –lbs, Think Skinny, and Minnie-me Wannabe, – thereby indicating they are becoming one with the target by employing visualization as a way of getting down to a more suitable size.
Most people think a running program would help them lose unnecessary pounds, though the cool down period may negate the effect for the candidate who calls himself “Will Run for Fries.”
Several contestants appear to have no issue with self-esteem despite a less than an ideal Body Mass Index. Hot Rod, Queen B, Sassy Momma, God’s Girl, 007 Bond, Rooster, Dazzling Diva, Killer Damsel, and Real Deal all seem to fit into that category.
Four Golden Girls signed up to participate – Golden Girl Sophia, Golden Girl Dorothy, Golden Girl Blanche, and Golden Girl Rose – though clearly they are not the real ones from the old television program by that name.
We even have Boo Boo this year and though we’re sure she’s sweet, it’s a sure bet this entrant – like the Golden Girls above — has little in common with the Reality TV show star whose first name begins with Honey.
Speaking of such, the sweetest fake name by far this year has to be Butterfly Kisses.
Need Energy may have the name that best expresses the reason to lose weight. My guess is the name that sums up the motivation to enter the contest for most contestants is the participant who calls himself Tired of Being Fat.
Good luck, Losers!